Sometimes a rollercoaster is what you need

So I took a break from posting to focus on getting back to work after my five weeks off. It’s been a rollercoaster three weeks. I’ve laughed, wanted to cry, had tough conversations and pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

As I got everything ready the night before my first day back, set my make up out, curled my hair, lay my outfit out I couldn’t help but feel stressed. I was fully prepared, so why was I still anxious?

Because I was worried about the what if? What if I don’t do very well, what if I can’t improve my performance. What if I’m in too much pain or get really tired half way through the day. Pain, tiredness, they all affect my concentration and are one of the reasons my performance dipped to begin with. The reason I had to go off five weeks before, because it was impossible to sit at a desk.

My worry only increased that morning when I got up, getting ready, getting the two buses to my job, it felt like forever. I finally made it to work. I was the first in the office which is what I’ve always liked about starting work early.

After a few days I felt like I was getting back into it. I’ve never been the most confident of people and it’s something I will always work on, but I’ve realised that having good people around to get you through those days where nothing is going right and you don’t even want to read that next email is key. I’m lucky enough to know a few people like that, that give practical advice as well as listen to me complain. Because everyone needs it at times.

I completed my qualification yesterday which felt amazing. There were a few times over the past eighteen months that I wasn’t sure if I would manage it, but getting the final assessment out the way and being told, “You Passed!” is a great feeling.

I’ve found that confidence is a work in progress, I’m at the beginning of my career, I’ll overcome the hurdles that my medical issues put in my way. I’ll face the demands of the job head on and I won’t back down if something doesn’t go well, everyone makes mistakes, it’s about learning and improving. In the end I have to be true to myself, I know I have the confidence somewhere inside me, I just have to find it.

After all, if you give up you’ll never know how far you can get.

Fay x

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