When I don’t really know what I’m doing

Do you ever get those moments or days where you’re not entirely sure what your doing with yourself? Maybe it’s a decision you have to make or something you know is going to go wrong if you listen to other people…sometimes it’s not in your control but it still takes over and makes any other choice hard.

I’ve had one of those weeks, a week where I wasn’t really sure exactly what I wanted, in any aspect of my life. Even the simplest decisions have taken forever, do I want to go and meet friends…or actually do I want to sit and write whilst binging on my favourite TV shows? I have a four day weekend as it’s Easter…but actually I can’t stop thinking about work and how I would probably be much more focused if I was there.

But I did go out, I went to the theatre to see The Glass Menagerie on Thursday, I didn’t know that much about it beforehand but it was really good, I related alot to the one of the main characters! She was kind of awkward and quiet, my friend Mia also related to her, pretty sure that means we’re destined to be friends forever or something like that.

Then I went for a meal and to the cinema yesterday with my very good friend Isabella who is back from Uni for a few weeks, although we are both about as indecisive as each other and it took us a good twenty minutes and multiple conversations just to decide what we were going to eat, the fact that we were actually becoming stressed about whether we wanted cheese on the garlic bread pretty much sums up my week.

Sometimes it’s the things that are out of our control that we worry about the most. I already know exactly what’s going to happen next and have a gut feeling on how things will pan out…but I can’t change it at this point and maybe sometimes things have to get worse before they get any better.

I’ve been invited to a couple of things this weekend, it’s not that I’m antisocial…ok, maybe I am a little but I actually just prefer to be by myself sometimes, I don’t want to get dressed up and go out or go to a party and drink, it’s not my thing. I’m much happier sat watching a film or something, and I default to that whenever I don’t know what I really want to do. Like do I want to go for a walk or shall I watch another episode of Supernatural? Who knows, the point is I have to choose what’s most comfortable for me over the need to please everyone else, so yes, I’ll reject the offer of going out but it doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for the invite…it just means I want a little time to myself. To figure out exactly what I’m doing, we all need that sometimes, some more often than others.

I went to see the new Batman V Superman film yesterday and for those few hours I could switch off, I spend a good amount of my spare time watching films so I don’t always feel invested in them anymore because some can be predictable, but actually I found myself very interested in this one which was refreshing. I wasn’t thinking about any of the things I’d been worrying about and could just enjoy it. I’ve booked myself a ticket to see Allegiant tomorrow, the latest in the Divergent series. I’ll watch most things and do like that series so I’ll enjoy the escapism. I love nothing more than being in a darkened room to watch a film, with an expectation that you don’t speak to people and just being able to enjoy the moment.

My friend told me that I had a really “you got this girl” attitude in my blog posts. Well this week, I don’t got this at all…which is why my friends were both there to remind me that actually it’s ok to not have it all figured out sometimes.

I don’t know what I’m doing with myself or some of the decisions I need to make and I’ve been up at 1am writing lists and trying to focus my thoughts…but if I know one thing, it’s that in a years time, today’s stresses won’t matter because everything has a way of working out in the end, even if not in the way I’d expect at first.

Fay xx



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