Hello antisocial me

I’m tired today, ever have those times where it feels like a long week and it’s not even the end of week yet?

This morning I used up all my energy worrying about what might or could happen, you know when you have those times where you just want to be told it’s alright, that you don’t have to worry, yeah, wishful thinking eh? Then I  got home and after a long and de-stressing phone call with my friend I fell asleep, which probably means I’ll be awake for a while now. Well done Fay, great plan!

It’s been a mixed kind of week, the high of the weekend concert’s stayed with me and I had a really good hospital consultation yesterday! No surgery for me this year! Wooo! I feel like I can put so many plans in place now I don’t have to have surgery. Including maybe some sailing – I do love sailing, haven’t been in a few years but it’s one of the most relaxing things I ever have done, being on the water just feels so calm, I even loved being caught in a storm!

But I am exhausted, I’m tired of talking this week, of thinking about things. Today I’ve been pretty laid back, because I just can’t be bothered, it’s like I’ve exhausted all my thoughts and emotions for the time being and am actually kind of thinking screw it! I can’t change the past so why the hell am I worrying about it, just ignore and keep on moving forward. So when I actually came to a moment I should have reacted I didn’t have anything to give.

Making a decision is also proving to be difficult, I’m tired of having to make the effort to talk and concentrate and Starbucks is my best friend right now. Do you ever have to make a decision and just think, is it worth the hassle? Is this really gonna be best for me? Of course I know the answer is yes, you should, you can’t stand by and let things go like that, you’ve got standards Fay and this is not what you accept…but I just don’t want to.

I’ve said a few times that I can be antisocial, this is the perfect example. So I don’t want to go out or chat or any of those things, I want to sit home, write and watch some random TV series that I don’t really need to pay attention to. Luckily I have lots of series on DVD to choose from. Don’t get me wrong there are some people I will hold a conversation with at this point but don’t be offended if I don’t respond right away, sometimes I just like to lose myself in writing (and rambling.) Because when I write things become clearer, a little easier to think about.

I just need a bit of time to recharge and have a word with myself, I know what is right to do and I know what other people’s thoughts would be but I don’t really care right now. I want to just ignore for a while, to pretend like the issue isn’t there because I know that facing it means more hassle, more drama and more talking. A part of me plans to ignore it altogether but I have a feeling it won’t work out like that.

The cycle all starts again in the morning, smiling and chatting when I’d rather just be alone! But just for tonight I am going to ignore, watch a mind numbing show and write until I fall asleep.

Over and Out

Fay xx



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