Silence, strength and singing

For the first time in a while today I’ve been able to just be myself, it’s like a weight’s been lifted and I can spread my wings a bit, I focused on me.

I didn’t want to go to choir tonight, I wanted to go to bed and sleep, I was sore all over, still am. It’s been a long few months and really lines were totally blurred between who I was and who I had to be to get by, but that’s changed now.

Today is the anniversary of my friend’s death, it’s been on my mind since the weekend, 5 years, it doesn’t seem like 5 minutes, she always knew how to stop me feeling lost, how to snap me into getting a grip.

I’ve also been annoyed by people that say “Oh, that’s not right for online, you shouldn’t say that.” Sorry, no one is asking you to read it, don’t like it unfriend me, stop following because I’m not about to change for you, I’d never post anything malicious so go waste your time somewhere else.

A few of my friends on Facebook share some fab inspirational quotes, I’ve needed those recently. I took a stand today, for what’s right, for what’s acceptable. It wasn’t easy, hell it was horrendous but sometimes you can’t walk away, you have to stand your ground. It took alot and someone else saying “You don’t really think that’s ok do you?” to kick me into action. I hate conflict and I try to see the good in everyone, I know that everyone has a story and what you see on the surface is only a tiny part of what’s going on for them….but there is only so much you can accept, you can brush off, it’s just a shame when things get to a point where someone could get really hurt.

So after all that I was exhausted and achy –  I didn’t want to go to choir, I was dancing around in my room singing Disney songs to get me motivated earlier, who doesn’t love a good dance around? Well, the motivation worked and I did go. It was worth it, there’s something about singing in a room full of people that you can have a laugh and be yourself with that makes it worth it. It’s uplifting and definetely confirmed for me that I made the right choices, I could smile, laugh and enjoy without anything else going on in my head.

There isn’t alot that bothers me all that much. But today, I learnt that it’s just as ok to be bothered by some things as it is to walk away, to know your value and know that your happiness is more important than any worries you have. It may get worse before it gets better, but when a line is crossed you have to stand your ground.

Every day is a day to feel blessed for, but it doesn’t mean every day will go exactly how you want it to or even make you happy, some things you can’t control but you can always control how you react.

So, today’s been a day of sadness that I can’t share my world with my friend, stunned silence when in a situation I never expected, strength when I took a stand, pain and exhaustion after a long day. And finally, happiness and feeling grateful when I spent my evening at choir, it’s the small things you push yourself to do that make a difference, going to choir was that for me today.

Fay xx


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