I’ve been quite overwhelmed recently, I don’t think there’s a good way to describe it. So I do apologise if I have ignored your messages, not been very positive or just overshared with you (though if I’ve done that last one it does mean I trust and value your opinion, that’s a bonus right?)
I just don’t understand when it became ok for people to make other people feel worthless. And I know, I know, there’s all the “Don’t let it get you down” and the “Rise above it.” But there’s only so many times you can do that, so many times someone can ignore being treated like they’re not good enough, when it’s every day, when they want to get on with their life, get on with their day to day world. Then when something get’s physical, when someone could get hurt…can it really be ok?
And it’s fine, if people don’t want to listen or…believe, but it’ll show eventually and all that really matters is that the person affected can speak up and be supported, whether people believe or not, whether anything can actually be done or not. Don’t they have a right to feel like they are not alone, like it’s not their fault. Shouldn’t they be able to speak the truth, to talk, even when it feels like the whole world is against them?
Ok, maybe it won’t be resolved the way it could be, but don’t people realise that no one that behaves that way will be obvious about it? That they’re not stupid, people like that know what they are doing.
But it makes it hard, makes it horrendous. Because there is no right answer, there is no fix or magic wand that can be waved and as much as every morning you wake up and tell yourself you’ll smile and get by no matter what’s thrown at you, sometimes it’s just tiring. Being in a situation that shouldn’t have become your problem but suddenly you’re the one that has to find a way to fix it, why is it ok for that to happen?
I’m patient, I try to support and be kind to others because I know what not being kind does…but there’s only so much you can be patient for, so much until you don’t want to be anymore and you shouldn’t have to be. No one should have to deal with other people’s actions, especially when it turns physical.
So despite all the confusion, the worries and the fears, I had to look out for me. Sometimes we have to look after number one, no one else is going to and they’re not expected to, but no one can blame you for it. After all, we have to live with our thoughts, the what ifs, the worries and sometimes that means taking a risk, it won’t always work out…but when it feels like your backed into a corner, there is nothing else left but doing the things you didn’t want to, for your own happiness. And I wanted to turn away, to give up…but is any situation worth the future? What you could become? Is anything worth giving that up? So you have to try, even if it doesn’t work, which I already feel like I know it won’t, at least I tried, at least I took the step. And I had to, it was that or walk away.
I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know how I’ll feel about it in the morning, I know that I worry, that I might get emotional, that I wish I had a magic wand, that trying to be positive doesn’t always make something go away, sometimes it’s bigger than that and I’ll admit it’s alot. But I also know that it’s not ok and that if something doesn’t change, someone could get hurt, really hurt, whether emotionally or physically.
So who knows what right is, but I do know that there are amazing people that don’t think it’s ok, that will support even from a distance, it all makes it less scary and a little less alone. Sometimes all we need is those people, to keep us going when we get kind of fed up.