“Life’s a song, you don’t get to rehearse and every single verse can make it that much worse.”
That lyric really speaks to me at the moment, I am feeling a bit fed up and not so positive. I’m usually the one telling everyone else to be positive and that everything happens for a reason. Well I’m having one of those times where I don’t want to be positive and I want to know the reason for everything right now, doesn’t it sometimes seem like every time things start to come together something is thrown your way to derail it all?
I made a list earlier, of all the things that I never thought I’d get through, all the days I didn’t think things would improve. They always did and I always got through…but it doesn’t stop me being fed up now and you know what, I’m allowed to be, I’ve had to tell myself that recently. When your constantly trying to be positive it’s great but it’s not realistic…sometimes there are days, weeks, even fortnights where actually screw positivity.
So recent events in my world have left me with a range of emotions, anger, sadness, confusion, defeat, fear, shame, annoyance and I’m giving myself permission to write about all of them because I’ll go insane if I don’t. I won’t necessarily post about them all but I’ll write it down.
One thing that did make me feel a little brighter over the weekend was having my nails done, we went for a fun, bright design this time and I love them! I love having them done especially when the person that does them is a very good friend and so lovely, we were each other therapists on Friday night! And sometimes all it takes is that, or the hug from her and her mum to make things seem like they would work out ok, a hug from the right people, those people that you are comfortable around, can relax around, that you know will listen to you and you will always listen to them too, outside of family but still close enough to know you well, it can do wonders.
I’m not even looking forward to choir yet this week and I usually am by now…I am looking forward to the end of the week, I’m off to do some volunteering in London and have booked a hotel for the night, it will be so good to get away and have a bit of time to myself. My hotel has a pool and a spa so taking a good book and it will be perfect. I cannot wait, just to be out the way of people and have some me time.
So positive Fay has some work on her hands this week! Despite knowing it will be ok and that everything makes you stronger…I still need to let myself have some time alone, time where I don’t have to keep smiling when I don’t want to. And actually, being strong isn’t about not having those moments of weakness, that’s not realistic and it’s not achievable, everyone’s emotions build up for too long if they let them. It’s all about how you build yourself back up, how you face the next challenge and how you grow from the negatives, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ll leave you with a song that I love and have had on repeat recently:
Actually, writing this has helped alot this evening. If you’re feeling the same recently, you’re not alone and you can do this, take some time for yourself. I believe in you.