I’ve sat down to write for the last five night’s and just stared at the page. I kind of lost my sense of what to write and definetely my ability to know what to say.
I am preparing for a big change in the next week or so and I’m not sure how I feel yet, I’ve been extremely stressed for a combination of reasons and at a bit of a loss as to the way forward and what to do to work through those emotions. Do you ever find yourself just wanting to cry in the most random situations? It’s a normal reaction to ignoring what you’re really thinking and feeling for so long I know, but it still sucks.
I guess I’ve found myself admitting I can’t do everything alone as much as I would like to try, I’m not a superhero (though I am pretty sure I’d look good with a cape and a mask!) and this past week I’ve let other people in, had hour long phone conversations and drank too much coffee while talking about what I’m doing with my life and it helped. I might not have figured it out yet but I will, even if I take some time to do that first. I don’t want to rush into something just because it’s seen as the right thing to do or the expectation, screw expectation, if I need to do nothing for a few weeks then I will. I made a list the other day of my goals, hopes and dreams for the next five years, here are just a few:
- To become a published author. (Big dream Fay!)
- To do something each month that challenges or scares me.
- To be doing something I love and be proud of every step I’ve taken to get there.
- To support someone else to reach their dreams.
- To be happy.
That last one is key isn’t it? To be happy, I think I’ve forgotten that, tried to fix a bad situation and not actually considered what it was doing to me long term. But now I do and now I’m realising that my confidence has dwindled and I’ve lost a little of the spark and the motivation I had. When you’re preparing to leave something behind you think about all the memories you have and it’s true that people never forget how you make them feel.
So this week and the next few I know I won’t be happy, there is alot to work through and it seems like a mountain to climb. By the end of the month I will be unemployed and I have no idea what I am doing next (believe me the whole thing has had me in tears numerous times.) But maybe it’s what I need, to take some time, remind myself who I am and who I want to be. I am hoping being out of work will be a blessing in disguise.
If I am totally honest I haven’t been truly happy in months and I even began to lose interest in the things I love like choir and writing. I just got gradually more fed up. But that’s ok, I know why and I know that I will bounce back, I just need a little time to do that this time.
My first step in being happy is going to be spending time writing over the next few weeks, catching up with the people that know me best and being myself without questioning if I’m good enough. I’ll be saying goodbye to some amazing people but I’ll keep in touch with those I want to and who knows, maybe in my time out I’ll start my path to my biggest dream of becoming an author.